I love running.
Full transparency here, I’ve never been able to say that from my heart. Running was just the expectation for me. All my siblings had excelled in it, and I followed right along that path. While it started out innocently, running became my identity, which is true for a lot of us. It took a bit of time, pain and brokenness to recognize what it had become, which led to a journey of unraveling how I perceived myself in light of performance.
I began cross country in 7th grade and splashed into this exciting world of PR’s, attention, and accomplishment. It feels pretty good to be fast, and naturally, people are attracted to talent, so I had that security of being well liked and acknowledged. I don’t mean to trash the people we encounter along the journey of running, or question their motives. God has allowed some of my deepest friendships to form from cross country, and I’ve seen Him do beautiful things through it. What I’m talking about is the attention, praise, and maybe even love we might receive when we’re pretty good at something. A lot of times we give and receive these things without realizing what we’re doing. I did it for a long time. What God began to show me is that this perspective of talent and how I viewed myself wasn’t actually the true perspective.
I consider Psalm 16:11 my life verse. In this chapter, David talks about his need for the Lord, and how there is absolutely nothing good in him apart from Jesus. That was difficult for me to wrap my mind around because for most of my life, I thought I was so good. I did everything right as best as I could, checking all the Christian boxes that could be checked. Pride, legalism, and performance were huge parts of my story, and while the Lord had opened my eyes to this when I became saved, I still was working through these things. God is so kind and gracious to continue working with us as we untangle from the heavy chains we walk in before we come to know Him. But it’s a process for sure.
Verse 11 says, “You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” The phrase that snagged my heart was fullness of joy. I desired that deeply because lately running had taken a wrong turn. I couldn’t run the same times I had run before. My mentality was an absolute wreck and I would fall apart in races whenever the pain got deep. While I knew my identity wasn’t in running and that God loved me, it was still difficult to not feel like a failure or that somehow I wasn’t as valuable. Yet, the Holy Spirit began something new in my heart as I felt these things so deeply. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to find fullness of joy and satisfaction in running. Or a relationship. Or lots of money. Or popularity and affirmation. Maybe, like David was saying, I could experience a depth in my relationship with the Lord that my joy would be so full and spilling over. That sounded incredible especially when I had felt depressed, lonely, discouraged, and inadequate for so long.
Did you know God values our honesty and vulnerability before Him? That’s what the majority of the Psalms are: honest, heartbroken conversations with the Lord. David definitely didn't skimp out on acknowledging and processing the turmoil of emotions he felt. I love that he knew he was safe bringing the ugly, anxious stuff to the Lord because he trusted God’s love for him. So that became my prayer. I was really honest with the Lord that I was hurting, sad and confused. I knew I was finding identity in things around me, and it wasn’t meant to be that way. Even though it didn’t feel like it immediately, I chose to trust those words - that it was only in His presence I could experience this kind of joy and be satisfied.
Fast forward to my college years of running. So many highs and lows! Lots of encouraging and beautiful moments, but also plenty of tears, discouragement, and frustration. But I was more centered this time because God had been teaching me what it meant to walk with Him in the good and bad times. That even when things fell apart and my hopes got crushed, He still loved me and that was never going to change. My joy didn’t have to be touched by circumstances. My identity didn’t have to rest in how I performed as an athlete. I was so loved, loved by a Father who wouldn’t stop loving me on my worst days, yet wouldn’t love me any more on my best days. His love isn’t conditional, which is hard for us to comprehend when we live in a world that sees love as something to be earned.
Now I’m on the tail end of this journey. I’m finishing my last season of collegiate running, and dang, it’s been incredible. God still wanted to teach me more about the perspective I had toward running. I didn’t love it, remember? But He helped me realize that as much as my identity wasn’t in running, He still cared about it. He wanted to be involved in this important part of my life. So I started praying intentionally for each practice. That I could see the hot, sweaty workouts as an opportunity to use the gift He gave me. That I could see my teammates as Jesus saw them: loved, unique, and expressions of God. I asked Him to bless conversations during work-outs. I was blown away by His response. The Lord absolutely changed my perspective of running and I had such joy in my heart. As I began praising Him in the day to day things, He opened my eyes to the opportunity in this specific season of my life. He gave me a deeper heart for my teammates, and my focus was more on rejoicing in their growth rather than seeing their success as my failure. I didn’t have to strive to be the best anymore. Instead, I could be the best Anna Tankersley that He had in store for me, and see my teammates become the best individuals they were meant to be.
I’m learning it’s about the process rather than the outcome. In running, that’s the relationships and lessons we learn along the way, rather than the title or PR. In my walk with Jesus, it’s about leaning more into His love and sharing that love with others. I’m almost done with this season, but there will always be something else that screams for my attention. Something else in which I’ll want to find security, joy, and value. That’s just how life goes. We have a part of our soul meant to be filled by God, but we try to replace it with other things. I just pray you will allow Jesus into your life because He wants to walk the journey with you. And if you do know Him, I hope you’re encouraged to press in more deeply and continue to surrender your whole heart to Him. You are significant to Him, and He cares about the little and big things. It’s all part of the journey.
